Flickerings of my Consciousness

Sometimes I have so many thoughts all at once that it is overwhelming. I feel the need to write - to express some of what is crowding my mind, but there's so much going on in there that I can't pick even what I want to write about! So I have decided to just let it flow across this keyboard, stream-of-consciousness style, and we'll see what happens. Hopefully some relief for my crowded mind, and hopefully something that at least makes a little bit of sense...

Excitement - I'm so excited about a new stage of life, a new city, new friends, new opportunities. Seriously, ridiculously excited - like to the point where I kind of what to jump up and down and squeal a little bit. Weird thing though, all of a sudden I'm gripped by paralyzing fear and the question - what am I doing? Do I really want to move again? Remember how hard it is to build strong relationships? How much time it takes? Do I really want to do this all over again, only to maybe move in a year or two to go to grad. school? All of a sudden I'm no longer giddy, but I feel like crying. What is that all about? And sadness too - my heart hurts for those left behind. I miss my Boiling Springs community. I miss Spartanburg. I know I will find new community, and I can't wait, but sometimes I feel like the one whose always moving on. I have so many friends living together in Charlotte right now, and part of me wants so badly to just move there and continue in this incredible community that I had for 4 years of my life... But I can't. Something draws me inexorably onward. Is this a bad thing? I don't think I have a fear of staying in a community long-term. I love putting myself fully into a community - that's part of why I'm so excited about moving to Knoxville - the opportunity to do this. I want to maximize my time as a young, single person. I want to take all of the opportunities that I can at this point in my life, but I feel that I am drawing closer and closer to the point where I want to stay somewhere long-term too. Put down roots that won't be yanked up again all too soon. But I also feel that that time hasn't quite arrived yet. So I'm still on the move - next stop: Knoxville!

Goals for my time in Knoxville:
Find a coffee shop that will become my own.
Join a soccer league.
Run a few 5ks.
Maybe do a mini-triathalon.
Host dinner parties.
Have a garden.

Other thoughts - Last night was a great time of hanging out with good friends from home. We talked round and round in college and immediately post-college fashion, about all of the deep crazy philosophical questions and ponderings that we have about life and faith and who God is. It was great. But I was also struck by how we can do this so much that we drive ourselves crazy. And sometimes I have such a longing for the simplicity that is also part of who God is. He is infinitely complex, but He is often found in infinite simplicity. And it is my experience that the most difficult questions and issues that I have with Him are most often resolved or at least put to rest (in the sense that I realize that they really don't matter nearly as much as I thought they did), through experience. I can have a million questions about Him, and then He'll bring me through some experience where He opens my eyes to His heart for me in this or that, and all of a sudden all of my issues with Him in this area aren't neccesarily resolved, but they seem irrelevant. Because I have seen His goodness, I have beheld the beauty of my God, and though I don't understand the reasons for everything, I am coming to trust the Person of my Lord, and His heart towards me and all of Creation. Simplicity.

Speaking of simplicity, I'm really excited for my friends Luke and Betsy and their upcoming adventures doing slum ministry. I recommend their blog.

I have written myself out of all of the other thoughts that were crowding my mind. Don't even remember what they were anymore. Nice. Congrats to those of you who had the perseverance to read this ridiculously long post! Have a lovely Wednesday!